How Can I Cope When the World Doesn’t Match My Values? EMDR Therapy NYC for Emotional Balance
This is sometimes how I feel, trying to live my life in NYC, when I'm feeling more emotionally imbalanced when the world doesn't align with how I want it to be.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao; downloaded from Unsplash on 10/14/2024
Living in a world that often conflicts with our deeply held values can be incredibly challenging. Many of us—especially those from marginalized communities like LGBTQ+ individuals—face a constant struggle between who we are, what we believe, and the societal norms that don't always support our identities. These conflicts can feel like a constant weight, leaving us feeling powerless, anxious, or angry.
I know how exhausting it can be when the world feels fundamentally at odds with your values. Over the past eight years, the political climate has been especially triggering for me, particularly seeing how the religious culture I grew up in could act in ways I would characterize as quite antithetical to Christian values. For me, it was also moving to a big city with hopes of finding acceptance and freedom, only to realize that even in diverse places, judgment and prejudice still existed. I've written previously about my own indignancy and how many clients can struggle with the current political climate. The emotional toll can be overwhelming, but there are ways to find balance.
So, we need a tool to help us cope with the gap. EMDR therapy is one of those tools—an approach that helps reprocess distress and trauma so you can build emotional resilience in the face of these conflicts. In this post, we'll explore how EMDR Therapy in NYC, a tool I am certified to provide, can support you in finding emotional balance and peace when the world doesn’t match your values.
Understanding the Conflict Between Personal Values and the World
Our personal values are the compass that guides us—shaping who we are and how we navigate life. Values are tied closely to our identity and sense of purpose, so when they clash with the world around us, it can feel deeply unsettling.
Imagine holding values that center around acceptance and equality while living in a world that often feels dismissive or hostile. Whether it’s political beliefs, acceptance of LGBTQ+ identities, or caring about environmental issues, when these beliefs are constantly challenged, it takes an emotional toll. You may feel powerless, anxious, or angry when the external world doesn’t align with your internal compass.
This is normal. You’re not alone in this struggle, and it’s okay to feel a range of emotions about it. Recognizing that the tension between your values and the world is a shared experience can be a powerful step toward healing.
The Mind-Body Response: How Conflicting Values Affect Us
When the world doesn’t align with our values, it doesn’t just affect us mentally—it also triggers a physiological response. This is because our sense of safety and predictability is challenged, which can make us feel threatened. Our bodies respond with fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reactions, which are protective mechanisms designed to help us cope with stress or danger. These responses are an evolutionary function, meant to protect us in moments of perceived threat, but they can become overwhelming when triggered repeatedly by ongoing conflicts with our values.
These responses are not just “in your head”; they are embodied reactions, often linked to trauma and anxiety. For those with a history of trauma or discrimination, these physiological responses can be even more intense, leaving us feeling trapped in the same defensive strategies we've always used, which may not actually help us now as adults—ultimately keeping us stuck in cycles of stress or emotional turmoil.
EMDR therapy can help address these embodied responses. By reprocessing distressing memories and triggers, EMDR helps calm the nervous system, making it easier to face these value conflicts without being overwhelmed by them.
What Is EMDR Therapy and How Does It Help?
Emotionally, when we feel "stuck" it can feel like we're just that mouse running round and round on that wheel. Getting nowhere. That's where EMDR Therapy in NYC helps!
Photo by Matt Bero; downloaded from Unsplash on 10/14/2024
For those unfamiliar, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy is an evidence-based approach that helps people heal from distressing life experiences. It works by allowing you to reprocess painful memories and experiences in a way that makes them less distressing.
When your values are challenged—whether by discrimination, negative interactions, or systemic issues—these experiences can become “stuck,” leading to ongoing emotional distress. EMDR targets these unprocessed experiences, helping you to reprocess them and alleviate the ongoing emotional burden.
The effectiveness of EMDR is backed by research and has helped many individuals find emotional relief. One client I worked with described it as “finally being able to breathe again after years of holding my breath.” Knowing that others have experienced positive change through EMDR can be reassuring when considering it for yourself. If you'd like to learn more, check out my previous post on "Understanding EMDR".
The Role of EMDR in Coping with Value Conflicts
EMDR therapy can be incredibly powerful in desensitizing the triggers that arise when the world’s values don’t align with your own. It helps you move from feeling overwhelmed by these triggers to feeling more grounded and centered in yourself.
Take, for example, a client who faced ongoing discrimination at work. These experiences left them feeling anxious and constantly on edge. Through EMDR, they were able to reprocess these memories, reducing their emotional charge and building a stronger sense of self. Over time, they felt more resilient, even when encountering similar situations.
Including these kinds of stories helps illustrate the transformative impact EMDR can have. It's not just about managing symptoms—it's about experiencing deep, meaningful change.
Practical Coping Strategies for Emotional Balance
While engaging in EMDR Therapy, there are also practical coping strategies that can help you find emotional balance. Here are a few that you can start implementing right away:
Mindfulness Practices: Notice your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Acknowledge your distress, but try to ground yourself in the present moment. Grounding exercises like focusing on your breath or the sensations in your body can be particularly helpful.
Thought Diffusion: Let go of the need for others or the world to change. Recognize that others may not share your values, and that’s okay. Learning to accept this is a key part of finding peace.
Self-Soothing Techniques: Techniques like Progressive Muscle Relaxation can help calm your body during moments of intense stress. I’ve written more on this technique in a previous blog post if you’re interested in learning how to practice it.
Actionable Steps: Start small—try incorporating one of these strategies today. It’s about taking manageable steps toward emotional resilience.
Developing Psychological Flexibility
Psychological flexibility is the ability to hold your values while being less attached to how they need to manifest in the world. Through therapy, I want you to find how you want to be an agent for change that isn't coming from a traumatized and triggered sense of self. This means balancing your advocacy for change with the acceptance that some things may be beyond your control, finding groundedness and equanimity.
This flexibility doesn’t mean compromising on what’s important—it means finding where your power lies and letting go of unrealistic expectations. EMDR plays a role here by helping you shift rigid thinking patterns into more adaptable, flexible perspectives.
By increasing psychological flexibility, you become more empowered and less emotionally reactive, which can be life-changing when faced with the harsh realities of a world that doesn’t always share your values.
The Importance of Differentiation
Differentiation is about staying true to yourself without needing validation from others, and letting go of the need to control or judge others. This skill is crucial when navigating conflicts around values because it allows you to hold onto what’s true for you, even if the world doesn’t align with it.
EMDR can help build differentiation by processing past experiences where you felt unsupported or judged, reducing the emotional toll these memories hold. Differentiation leads to more emotional stability, reduced stress, and healthier relationships because you no longer need the world’s validation to feel whole.
For example, I worked with a client who struggled with needing family approval for their life choices. Through EMDR, they were able to process the deep fear of rejection that was holding them back. Because they had worked enough in therapy, and desensitized enough of the hurt, they experienced themselves as a separate and valuable person who could affirm and validate themselves, let their family be separate, and support themselves with the feelings that came with the gap between what they needed and what their family could realistically provide. As a result, they felt more confident in their choices and experienced less anxiety during family interactions.
Building Resilience in the Face of a Mismatched World
Sometimes resilience comes in the form of trusting yourself to do the hard thing, and to hold (lovingly) the feelings that come up in the 'gap' between our needs and what the world provides.
Photo by Roberta Piana; downloaded from Unsplash on 10/14/2024.
Resilience is the capacity to adapt and thrive even when the world challenges your values. EMDR therapy can help strengthen resilience by allowing you to connect with your internal resources and reframe how you view challenging situations. And trust in yourself that you can manage the feelings about the 'gap' or 'mismatch' between your needs and what the world can provide.
Research shows that individuals who engage in EMDR often feel more connected to their inner strength and resilience. By reprocessing distressing experiences, you’re able to see them as opportunities for growth rather than setbacks. And from a more centered place, decide how you want to show up in the world.
EMDR isn’t just a coping mechanism—it’s a transformative process that builds long-term resilience, allowing you to face a world that doesn’t always align with your values and still stand strong.
Conclusion
Living in a world that doesn’t match your values can be incredibly challenging, impacting your emotional well-being. EMDR Therapy in NYC offers a way to find emotional balance and resilience by helping you process distressing experiences and build a grounded sense of self.
It takes courage to seek help, and choosing therapy is a powerful step toward healing. Coping with a mismatched world is a journey, but tools like EMDR can make a real difference.
If you’re ready to explore how EMDR therapy can support you in navigating your values and finding emotional balance, reach out today. You deserve to feel empowered and at peace, even when the world feels out of alignment.
Contact me here for a free 15-minute phone call to discuss how we can work together to build the resilience you need to thrive. Let's embark on a path toward greater self-respect, healthier relationships, and a stronger sense of community together.
My specialties include LGBTQ+ Therapy NYC, EMDR Therapy NYC, Religious Trauma.
