How Can I Find Balance Between Holding Strong Values and Letting Go of Overcontrol? | LGBTQ Therapy and Emotional Resilience in NYC
Introduction: The Emotional Toll of Overcontrol
Sometimes our upbringing is the source of tension and reactivity. We can work on this in LGBTQ Therapy in NYC
Photo by Icons8 Team; downloaded from Unsplash on 10/13/2024
As a therapist specializing in LGBTQ Therapy in NYC, I help individuals navigate the challenges of balancing deeply held values with the need for flexibility. Imagine this: You're sitting with friends, and they start talking about their toxic bosses. The conversation takes a turn, and you feel that familiar sense of being riled up—the urge to do something, to say something, to make it right. When 'wrong' things happen, we often feel this need to step in, to correct, to prevent harm. It’s an instinct that can come from a deep place of caring, but it can also be emotionally exhausting.
This blog is a follow-up to my previous post on how early moral conditioning can lead to an overemphasis on ethics and a heightened sense of responsibility. Today, we’re diving deeper into understanding how to honor those values while finding freedom from the overwhelming pressure to control everything around us. For those who, like myself, grew up in environments where ethical overemphasis was the norm, this is about learning a new way to interact with a world that doesn’t always match the rigid framework we were taught.
Have you ever found yourself feeling compelled to step in when something feels wrong? That sense of duty, of needing to do something to fix what feels broken, can be both powerful and exhausting. This journey is about finding a way to hold our values while letting go of the overwhelming need to control every outcome, especially when the world doesn't align with our ideals.
Embracing Complexity: Moving Beyond Black-and-White Thinking
In my previous blog, we explored how early moral conditioning—especially in fundamentalist environments—can leave us with a strong sense of right and wrong. Many of us learned to see the world in black-and-white terms, with rigid definitions of good and bad. This type of thinking, while it might have offered a sense of safety or predictability in childhood, often becomes a burden as we grow older.
To truly let go of overcontrol, we must start by embracing the complexity of the world around us. Not everything fits neatly into “right” or “wrong,” and learning to accept the gray areas can be incredibly freeing. For those of us who have internalized rigid moral codes, embracing nuance doesn’t come easily—it takes conscious effort and practice.
I know firsthand how challenging it can be to let go of the urge to control everything. Growing up in a fundamentalist environment, I often felt responsible for making sure everything was “right.” Letting go of that pressure has been a journey of accepting that I can still honor my values without holding onto them so tightly that they cause me emotional harm.
Honoring Values Without Overburdening Ourselves
Many of us were conditioned to believe that our worth is tied to how well we follow certain rules or meet certain ethical standards. As LGBTQ individuals, this conditioning can feel even more intense, particularly when our identities were deemed “wrong” by those same moral standards. We may feel a deep need to prove our goodness, not just to others but to ourselves, and this can manifest as overcontrol in our relationships and day-to-day lives.
Because we grew up believing that our worth and value came from following rules and strong ethics, we may also view—perhaps less consciously—that the value and worth of others comes from their alignment with these same rules, ethics, and adherence to dogmatic cultural norms. When others do not conform to these expectations, we might see them as having less value or worth. This can lead us to treat ourselves and others less respectfully or compassionately, approaching them and ourselves with judgment rather than understanding.
The key is to find a way to hold onto what matters to us—our values—without letting them dominate our lives or dictate our every action. It’s about learning to honor our ideals without feeling responsible for ensuring that everyone around us lives up to those same standards. In therapy, we explore how we can live authentically, allowing our values to guide us while releasing the unrealistic expectation that we must “fix” every wrong we see.
The Emotional Impact of Overcontrol
The emotional toll of overcontrol is real. Constantly feeling responsible for making sure everything is right can be exhausting. It can leave us feeling depleted, anxious, and overwhelmed. For many LGBTQ individuals, this is further compounded by the desire to be seen as “good” in a world that may have rejected us for who we are.
For example, consider the scenario of being at a family gathering where the conversation takes a turn towards harmful or discriminatory remarks. The urge to correct, to fix, or to make others see the harm in their words can feel overpowering. This sense of duty, while rooted in our values, often leaves us feeling drained and disconnected from our own needs.
Tools for Letting Go While Honoring Values
Letting go doesn’t mean abandoning what matters to us. It means finding healthier ways to live out our values without sacrificing our well-being. Here are some tools to help with this process:
1. Reframing Responsibility: One of the first steps in letting go of overcontrol is to reframe how we see our responsibility. It’s okay to care deeply, but we are not responsible for fixing everything. Ask yourself, “Is this truly my responsibility?” If the answer is no, practice allowing yourself to let go.
2. Embrace Impermanence: Remind yourself that everything in life is constantly changing. The strict moral codes we internalized may have given us a false sense of permanence—that if we just do things “right,” everything will be okay. Embracing impermanence allows us to release some of the pressure we place on ourselves to make everything perfect.
3. Practicing Compassion—For Yourself and Others: Compassion is key to letting go, and especially letting go of judgement (for ourselves and for others). Self-compassion helps us release the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves, while compassion for others allows us to let go of the need to control or correct them. Recognize that everyone is on their own journey, and that it’s not your job to ensure they’re on the “right” path.
4. Finding New Narratives: The stories we tell ourselves about our role in the world can shape our behavior. If your internal narrative is, “I need to hold everything together to be valuable,” it’s time to rewrite that story. Try replacing it with, “I care deeply, but I also trust others to take responsibility for their actions.” This shift can help reduce the emotional burden of overcontrol.
5. Mindfulness and Equanimity: Mindfulness can help us observe our thoughts and emotions without immediately reacting to them. When we feel activated by something we perceive as wrong, mindfulness can create space between our emotional reaction and our actions. This space allows us to respond with greater balance and intention, rather than reacting out of a need to control.
Practical Exercises for Finding Balance
1. Reflection on Past Conditioning: Spend time journaling about the values you grew up with. Which of those values still resonate with you, and which feel like burdens that no longer serve you? This reflection can help you identify where overcontrol might be stemming from and how you can start letting go.
2. Mantra Practice for Letting Go: Use a mantra like “I release what I cannot control” or “I trust the flow of life” when you feel overwhelmed by the need to manage everything. These simple phrases can help ground you in moments of stress and remind you that letting go is an act of strength, not weakness.
3. Visualization for Letting Go of Control: Picture yourself in a situation where you often feel the need to control—like a family gathering or a work setting. Imagine responding differently: staying calm, allowing things to unfold, and trusting that the outcome does not depend entirely on you. Practicing this visualization can help you shift your behavior in real-life scenarios.
4. Compassion Meditation: Spend time in meditation focusing on cultivating compassion—for yourself and for those around you. Remind yourself that everyone, including yourself, is doing the best they can given their circumstances. Compassion can help soften the intensity of overcontrol and allow you to approach situations with a more open heart.
5. Set Boundaries to Protect Your Energy: Identify situations where you often feel the need to step in and fix things. Practice setting boundaries by reminding yourself, “This is not mine to fix.” Setting boundaries can be a powerful way to protect your energy and prevent emotional burnout.
Moving Forward: Integrating Balance Into Your Life
Photo by Jon Flobrant; downloaded from Unsplash on 10/13/2024
Learning to hold your values while letting go of overcontrol is not a one-time event—it’s an ongoing practice. It’s about making small choices every day that allow you to honor what matters to you without becoming overwhelmed by the weight of trying to control everything.
Take time to pause, reflect, and breathe before reacting. Ask yourself whether stepping in aligns with your values and whether it’s truly necessary—or if it’s driven by the need to regain control in a situation that feels uncomfortable. Remember, balance is about progress, not perfection. Seeking LGBTQ Therapy in NYC can provide additional support as you work to integrate these changes and create a more balanced, fulfilling life.
Conclusion: Finding Freedom in Letting Go
The journey of letting go is ultimately about finding emotional freedom—freedom from the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves and the freedom to live more fully in the present. It’s about recognizing that our worth is not tied to our ability to fix everything or make everything right. By learning to trust ourselves and the world around us, we can hold our values with grace and compassion, rather than with rigidity and fear.
If you’re ready to explore what it means to hold your values without the burden of overcontrol, I’d love to support you on this journey.
Contact me here for a free 15-minute phone call to discuss how we can work together to build the resilience you need to thrive. Let's embark on a path toward greater self-respect, healthier relationships, and a stronger sense of community together.
My specialties include LGBTQ+ Therapy NYC, EMDR Therapy NYC, Religious Trauma.
