Should I Visit My Family Over the Holidays? LGBTQ Therapy in NYC Can Help

Photo by From Marwool; downloaded from Unsplash on 10/3/2024

As the holidays approach, many LGBTQ+ individuals find themselves asking a difficult question: Should I visit my family this year? This decision isn’t always straightforward, especially when the dynamics within your family are complicated or even strained. For many of us, the idea of re-entering spaces that may not feel fully accepting can stir up intense emotions—fear, hope, apprehension, or even sadness.

The holidays can be a time of connection and joy, but they can also bring old wounds to the surface. If you’re finding yourself stuck in this decision, I’d like to offer some insights into navigating the holidays as an LGBTQ+ individual, along with how LGBTQ Therapy in NYC can help you prepare, build resilience, and make the choice that best supports your mental health and well-being.

The Emotional Complexity of Visiting Family Over the Holidays

The thought of visiting family over the holidays often brings up a mix of emotions—maybe there’s excitement at the thought of reconnecting, or maybe there's anxiety about stepping back into an environment that hasn’t always been affirming. Family dynamics are complex, and for LGBTQ+ folks, they can be even more so. Whether it’s dealing with passive-aggressive comments, feeling the pressure to hide parts of yourself, or bracing for outright rejection, these situations can feel daunting.

Family gatherings can also reawaken unresolved wounds from the past. For some, the stress of reuniting with family may bring back memories of moments when they didn’t feel accepted or loved, which can trigger emotions that have yet to heal. I will argue that’s why working with a therapist like me who specializes in LGBTQ Therapy in NYC can be so valuable—I can offer a space where you can unpack these dynamics, recognize how they impact you, and prepare to navigate them with more clarity and self-compassion.

How to Decide If Seeing Your Family Is Right for You

The decision to visit family is deeply personal, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. It can help to start by asking yourself some reflective questions: How do you feel when you imagine yourself at a family gathering? Are you hopeful that this year will be different, or are you bracing yourself for conflict? Are you in a place emotionally where you feel capable of handling discomfort or potential invalidation? Will visiting your family “cost” you in how the experience impacts your health, many long after you return home?

It’s important to consider both the risks and benefits. What would you gain from being there? Is it the joy of a holiday tradition, the possibility of reconnection, or simply a sense of duty? And what’s at risk? Do you anticipate emotional harm, feeling unsupported, or walking away feeling worse? Sometimes, understanding both sides of the equation can make the decision clearer.

Quick Reflection: Take some time to journal about these questions. Write about what comes up when you picture the family gathering. Is it fear, hope, or perhaps a mix of both? Understanding what drives your emotions can give you the clarity you need to decide what’s best for you.

Setting Boundaries If You Decide to Go

If you decide that spending time with family is right for you, it’s crucial to set boundaries. Think about what you need to feel safe—maybe it’s not discussing certain topics, setting a limit on how long you’ll stay, or making sure you have an exit plan if things get tense.

With some families, communicating these boundaries ahead of time can also be helpful. You could send a message to family members before you arrive, letting them know that some topics are off-limits or what you need from them to feel comfortable. Practicing these conversations in therapy can also help, allowing you to approach them with calmness and confidence. 

I’ll confess that most of the clients I have worked with up until this point have family members who, despite all the best attempts to set clear boundaries and state which topics are off topic, still “blast through” those limits. You will need a plan on how you will support yourself, and a place to process your feelings about that.

Again, I have made my career focusing on providing quality and effective LGBTQ Therapy in NYC and can provide a supportive space to work on these skills, so you feel prepared to navigate the challenges that may arise. Therapy can also help you process any lingering feelings afterward, ensuring that your well-being remains the priority.

Alternative Plans If You Decide Not to Go

Photo by Maxim Hopman; downloaded from Unsplash on 10/3/2024

Choosing not to visit family over the holidays is an absolutely valid and often brave decision. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up on family—it means you’re choosing to prioritize your emotional safety and mental health. The holidays can still be meaningful, even if you’re not spending them in the traditional way.

If you decide not to go, think about creating your own holiday traditions. Spend time with your chosen family, take a trip, or engage in activities that bring you joy. Your holidays can be whatever you need them to be—they don’t have to follow anyone else’s script. And, make a plan of how you can make space for the difficult feelings that come up when you make a decision to not go. These are often the experiences that need the most tenderness and compassion.

Quick Reflection: What kind of holiday experience do you truly want for yourself? How can you create a holiday that feels authentic and affirming, regardless of whether or not you’re with family? This is your time to build new traditions that resonate with who you are today.

How LGBTQ Therapy in NYC Can Help Prepare You for the Holidays

Emotional preparedness is key, regardless of your decision. Therapy can help you build resilience and identify resources before you’re in the thick of it—whether that means preparing for difficult conversations or working on grounding techniques to keep you centered when emotions are running high.

One effective strategy I often use in LGBTQ Therapy is to use experientail techniques like role-playing or “empty chair”. Practicing how you might respond to triggering comments or interactions can be incredibly empowering. You’ll feel more confident and less likely to be caught off guard because you and I have already helped you work through those more difficult stirred reactions.

Therapy can also help heal the deeper wounds that make family gatherings so challenging. Sometimes, the pain you feel in these settings isn’t just about what’s happening now—it’s about all the times you’ve felt rejected or misunderstood in the past. Addressing these wounds through therapy, possibly using techniques like EMDR, can help you unburden yourself, making these interactions far less painful.

Tips for Navigating Holiday Stress if You Choose to Go

Changing the way we relate and respond to family dynamics is the most empowering thing we can do

Photo downloaded on 10/3/2024 from Tim's Printables

If you decide to attend a family gathering, having some coping tools on hand can make a big difference. Here are some tips that can help you navigate potential stress and stay more grounded:

1. Grounding Exercises for Moments of Overwhelm
   Grounding exercises can be incredibly helpful in moments of overwhelm. Try focusing on the sensation of your feet on the floor, take a walk to get some fresh air, or have a physical object in your pocket—like a smooth stone or a textured fabric—that you can hold to help keep yourself centered. The idea is to reconnect with the present moment and create a sense of stability when things feel emotionally shaky.

2. Identify Your Social Support System
   Know who your allies are before you go. Maybe it's a friend you can text when things get hard, a partner who will be attending with you, or even a family member who understands the dynamics and can be there for support. Having a plan in place to connect with your support system during or after the event can help you feel more secure and less alone. You don’t need to face everything by yourself—let the people who care about you be part of your support network.

3. Bring an Object That Grounds You
   Sometimes, a simple physical object can serve as a powerful grounding tool in the moment. Consider bringing a small object that holds personal significance—a bracelet, a necklace, or even a picture that brings you comfort. This item can serve as a tangible reminder of who you are beyond this setting, allowing you to reconnect with your own sense of strength and well-being whenever you need to.

4. Shift Your Attitude Toward Family Dynamics
   Instead of dreading the "weird" or unhealthy family dynamics you might encounter, try shifting your relationship with these dynamics into something more lighthearted or even playful. One creative way to do this is to make a bingo card before the trip, filled with all the things you expect your family to do. Examples could include "someone misgenders me," "mom brings up how I should dress," or "politics come up even though they know my views." During the gathering, you can keep track and see if you get a bingo. This approach helps you step out of worry or indignation and engage with these situations in a different way—one that feels less charged and allows you to navigate the experience with a little more levity. It's about taking back some power and deciding how you want to relate to the family "drama" in a manner that supports your own emotional well-being.

Quick Reflection: Who can you lean on for support during the holidays? How can you prepare for moments when you might need to ground yourself or step away?

The Importance of Building Resilience and Finding Joy

Lastly, and importantly, finding moments of joy, even during challenging times, is a powerful act of resilience. I believe focusing on joy, creativity, and doing good in the world is essential—especially when it’s so easy to despair.

Bringing intention to joy, cultivating creativity, and fostering strong relationships are powerful acts of resistance. But when unresolved hurt or trauma weighs us down, it can be hard to genuinely engage in these acts of joy. LGBTQ Therapy, especially EMDR, offers a space to unburden and resolve those deeper wounds, making it easier to intentionally choose joy and embrace a more fulfilling life.

Quick Reflection: What brings you genuine joy, independent of external circumstances? How might you make more time for these activities? Think of joy as an act of resistance—one that strengthens your resilience.

Conclusion

The decision of whether to visit family during the holidays is deeply personal, especially for LGBTQ+ individuals navigating complex and often painful family dynamics. Remember, there’s no right or wrong answer—only what’s best for your well-being. Setting boundaries, creating alternative traditions, and building resilience are all valid ways to honor yourself this holiday season.

LGBTQ Therapy in NYC offers a compassionate and affirming space where you can explore these emotions, make empowered decisions, and heal the deeper wounds that may arise during this time of year. If you’re struggling with the upcoming holidays and aren’t sure how to move forward, reach out. Together, we can navigate these challenges, building a more centered, resilient, and joyful you.

Contact me here for a free 15-minute phone call to discuss how we can work together to build the resilience you need to thrive. Let's embark on a path toward greater self-respect, healthier relationships, and a stronger sense of community together.

My specialties include LGBTQ+ Therapy NYC, EMDR Therapy NYC, Religious Trauma.