The Fine Line between Avoidance and Rest: Finding Balance in Self-Care
Rest is such an important component to self-care
Photo by Faruk Tokluoğlu; downloaded from Unsplash on 10/7/2024.
Sometimes, I just do NOT want to do a complicated and challenging task. Instead, I want to take a nap, or scroll on my phone. Sometimes, work has me so busy that I am getting really tired doing the super complicated, stressful, exhausting tasks of my job and I need a break to rest my brain. I know that sometimes my break or rest is avoidance, and sometimes I really do need that rest to come back to the task refreshed. Sometimes I don't know what I need. I'm wondering if you relate?
Finding the balance between rest and avoidance can be tricky, especially in a world (like NYC) that often promotes hustle culture. Rest is crucial for our well-being, but there’s a fine line where rest can slip into avoidance, keeping us stuck in unhelpful patterns. Therapy can be a powerful tool in helping us understand the difference and support healthier coping.
I’m Eric M. Hovis, a licensed mental health counselor specializing in LGBTQ therapy, EMDR therapy, and trauma-informed care in NYC. Therapy can help you build awareness, heal the trauma that might be underneath your avoidance, and break free from patterns of procrastination and other maladaptive strategies for managing anxiety.
The Difference Between Rest and Avoidance
Rest and avoidance might look similar on the surface, but they serve very different purposes. Rest is about restoration and taking care of yourself. It’s intentional—it helps you recharge. Avoidance, on the other hand, is about dodging discomfort or fear. It’s when we use rest as an excuse to escape from something difficult, like taking a day off because work feels overwhelming rather than because we need to recharge.
The concept of "quiet quitting"—setting boundaries in the workplace to protect your mental health—has become popular recently. When done mindfully, it can be a healthy form of rest, as well as a way to set a boundary with work expectation, but when it’s driven by fear or dread or indignation, it might actually be a form of avoidance. The difference often lies in the intention behind your actions: Is what you're doing helping you restore your energy, or is it an attempt to avoid discomfort?
Understanding Avoidance and Its Impact
Avoidance can be subtle. It often feels like it’s helping in the short term, but over time, it leads to increased stress and anxiety. Avoidance can look like procrastination, putting off a challenging conversation, or numbing emotions with substances. Sometimes, we might even use "rest" as a cover for avoiding the stress and underlying feelings about a task we’re facing.
Avoidance can create a cycle where we keep pushing things off until they become overwhelming, which leads to more anxiety. LGBTQ therapy NYC can help you understand your patterns of avoidance, break the cycle, and develop healthier ways to cope with discomfort.
The Importance of Rest and Its Role in Self-Care
Rest is a critical part of self-care. It allows both your mind and body to recharge. Whether it’s getting enough sleep, taking a break from challenging relationships, or disconnecting from screens to give your senses a rest, these moments are essential for your well-being.
Sometimes, rest can be challenging because of cultural pressures. We live in a society that glorifies busyness and productivity, making it difficult to truly rest without feeling guilty. There’s also a phenomenon called "revenge insomnia," where people delay their sleep as a way to reclaim personal time. This behavior, while seemingly giving a sense of control, often reflects a struggle to prioritize healthy rest, ultimately doing more harm than good.
How to Differentiate Between Rest and Avoidance
So how do you know if you’re resting or avoiding? It starts with being honest about your motivations. Ask yourself questions like: “Am I feeling guilty for resting, or do I feel replenished?” and “Am I avoiding something that’s causing me discomfort?” Rest should leave you feeling restored, while avoidance often leaves you feeling guilty or uneasy.
Sometimes avoidance disguises itself as rest, and it’s important to recognize this difference. Working with a therapist can help you develop the self-awareness needed to differentiate between the two. Try a quick reflection exercise: Think about a recent time you took a break. Did it help you feel better and ready to re-engage, or did it leave you feeling more anxious and disconnected? This kind of reflection can be a helpful starting point for understanding your behaviors.
Strategies for Finding Balance in Self-Care
Finding the right balance between rest and avoidance takes practice. Here are some strategies to help:
Set Intentions for Rest: When you choose to rest, make it intentional. Whether it’s planning a restorative activity or setting aside time for mindfulness, be clear about why you’re resting.
Create a Self-Care Checklist: Make a list of activities that are genuinely restorative versus those that might be avoidance-based. A therapist can help you build awareness and structure this kind of checklist.
Practice Self-Compassion: If you notice yourself slipping into avoidance, avoid harsh self-judgment. Recognize it, acknowledge why it’s happening, and redirect toward more balanced self-care. Therapy can be an important space for developing this kind of compassion and self-awareness, especially through LGBTQ therapy NYC.
The Role of Therapy in Balancing Rest and Avoidance
Therapy provides a supportive space to explore your patterns around rest and avoidance. It can help you identify what’s healthy and what might be holding you back. Therapy isn’t just about identifying avoidance—it’s about understanding the deeper reasons behind it, whether it’s unresolved trauma, fear, or perfectionism.
EMDR Therapy, mindfulness techniques, and other therapeutic approaches can be incredibly effective at addressing the underlying causes of avoidance. Trauma, for example, often fuels avoidance behaviors because facing certain tasks or situations feels too overwhelming. EMDR can help reprocess these triggers, making them less overwhelming, and help you get unstuck from patterns like procrastination.
LGBTQ therapy NYC provides a safe, affirming environment to explore these challenges without judgment. Therapy helps build awareness and create healthier coping mechanisms, allowing you to move toward a more balanced life.
When Rest Becomes Avoidance: Red Flags to Watch For
Photo by Karollyne Videira Hubert; downloaded from Unsplash on 10/7/2024
There are some red flags to watch for when rest crosses over into avoidance. These can include chronic procrastination, avoiding important responsibilities, or feeling guilty after resting. If rest leaves you feeling drained or guilty rather than replenished, it’s worth taking a closer look at what might be happening.
"Quiet quitting" can also cross into avoidance territory if it’s driven by fear or a lack of capacity to deal with work-related challenges rather than being a mindful exercise in setting boundaries. Examples include canceling social plans over and over, avoiding work tasks or bills, or spending entire days disconnected without it feeling restorative. When these behaviors are frequent, it may be a sign that you need additional support to get back on track.
Conclusion
Understanding the fine line between rest and avoidance is key to maintaining good mental health. Both rest and facing discomfort have important roles in our growth, and it’s the balance between the two that allows us to thrive. Therapy is a powerful tool for navigating this balance, helping you understand your motivations and supporting you in making healthier choices.
How do you determine whether you need true rest or if you’re avoiding something challenging? Therapy can be a great place to explore these questions and find the balance that works for you.
If you’re finding it challenging to determine whether you’re resting or avoiding, or if you’re struggling to find that balance, consider exploring LGBTQ therapy NYC. Therapy can help you find your unique balance between rest and taking meaningful action in your life.
Contact me here for a free 15-minute phone call to discuss how we can work together to build the resilience you need to thrive. Let's embark on a path toward greater self-respect, healthier relationships, and a stronger sense of community together.
My specialties include LGBTQ+ Therapy NYC, EMDR Therapy NYC, Religious Trauma.
