Deep Dive into Black-and-White Thinking: EMDR Therapy NYC for Healing Religious Trauma
Photo by Tim Hüfner; uploaded from Unsplash on 1/14/2025.
Welcome to the next installment in my series on healing "stuckness" caused by religious trauma. If you haven't read the previous post on how perfectionism is shaped by religious teachings and how EMDR can help, I encourage you to check it out here. It provides an essential foundation as we explore another manifestation of religious trauma—black-and-white thinking. Each post in this series builds on the previous one, offering a deeper understanding of the many ways religious trauma can affect us and how EMDR can support healing. This second deep dive will explore another common manifestation of religious trauma—black-and-white thinking—and how EMDR Therapy in NYC can help you move beyond these rigid mental frameworks.
What Is Black-and-White Thinking?
Black-and-white thinking, also known as all-or-nothing thinking, is a cognitive pattern where things are perceived in extreme, either/or categories. There’s no room for nuance, flexibility, or middle ground—something is either entirely good or entirely bad, a success or a failure, right or wrong. This kind of rigid thinking is commonly instilled through certain religious teachings, which often emphasize strict adherence to laws or doctrines, as well as the worldview these doctrines paint. Everything is either good or evil, in line with the church's doctrine or not, true or false, right or wrong. The result is a mental framework that allows little tolerance for ambiguity or imperfection.
For individuals impacted by religious trauma, black-and-white thinking often feels like the safest way to navigate life. It may stem from environments where clear-cut answers were presented as the only way to avoid punishment, damnation, or exclusion. In a way, it becomes a survival strategy—adhering to clear rules helps avoid perceived dangers. If this feels familiar, you're not alone. It's so common for people who have experienced religious trauma to seek the safety of rigid rules because the consequences of deviating could feel catastrophic.
Unfortunately, this kind of thinking severely limits personal growth, authenticity, and resilience. It perpetuates cycles of harsh judgment, both towards oneself and others, making it incredibly difficult to adapt to life's inevitable uncertainties. You may find yourself idolizing someone and then writing them off completely at the first sign of a mistake. This lack of middle ground can lead to fractured relationships, unmet expectations, and chronic dissatisfaction. You might feel competent one moment, but like a complete failure the next, based on the outcome of a single situation. The all-or-nothing approach keeps you stuck in a cycle where mistakes aren't seen as learning opportunities—they become proof of inadequacy. This pattern also fuels self-doubt, as the fear of not being 'perfect' prevents you from taking risks, trying new things, or being vulnerable in relationships.
The Roots of Black-and-White Thinking in Religious Teachings
Many religious doctrines present strict binaries—good vs. evil, saved vs. damned, righteous vs. sinner. This binary worldview can become deeply internalized, especially for those who grew up in environments that stressed clear delineations between right and wrong. Teachings that emphasize 'purity' or the need to be free from sin can exacerbate this type of thinking, making any deviation seem like complete failure or moral corruption. For instance, certain religious texts may discourage nuance, urging followers to take teachings as literal truths. Questioning or exploring ambiguity may be seen as dangerous, sinful, or even a threat to one's spiritual salvation. This often discourages critical thinking and cements a black-and-white view—anything else is not only threatening to one's beliefs but to their place in the community and their sense of belonging.
I've worked with many clients who struggled with these rigid frameworks, and I understand how deeply ingrained they can be. It’s not just about thought patterns; it's about survival. I remember when I started questioning some of the binaries I grew up with—there was a lot of fear and discomfort. But I’ve seen, both in my own journey and my work with clients, how powerful it can be to finally start seeing the shades of gray. For many, thinking in extremes was the only way to feel safe in an environment where the consequences of being wrong felt devastating.
Family and Community Influence
Family systems often mirror and reinforce these binary religious teachings. Parents who themselves were raised with black-and-white thinking may inadvertently pass these rigid frameworks on to their children, emphasizing that there is only one 'right' way to live, behave, or think. These beliefs are further reinforced by community practices, such as celebrating those who rigidly adhere to expectations or shunning those who deviate. This rigid worldview can be especially difficult for those, like myself, who grew up with no place in these binaries—coming out as a gay person meant I was automatically cast as 'wrong' or 'sinful,' with no possibility of belonging unless I rejected my true self. Unfortunately, this cycle can be incredibly isolating and disempowering, as any divergence from the 'right path' feels like a rejection of both family and faith. However, some families do offer mitigating influences—encouraging questioning, curiosity, and the exploration of gray areas. Such environments, though less common, can provide a powerful buffer against the rigidity of certain religious norms, allowing for healthier cognitive flexibility.
For many of my clients, the reinforcement from both family and community creates a powerful internal drive to categorize experiences, emotions, and people into "good" or "bad." This internalized categorization often carries forward, long after individuals have physically left their religious communities.
Examples of Black-and-White Thinking in Everyday Life
Black-and-white thinking doesn’t stay confined to one’s views on morality or faith—it seeps into everyday aspects of life. In relationships, it often manifests as thinking, "If my partner really loved me, they would always understand me perfectly," or "I’m right, and my partner is wrong." Unlike perfectionism, which can stem from a desire to prove oneself, black-and-white thinking is often about feeling safe—needing a clear sense of where you stand, especially in environments that threaten severe consequences for getting it wrong. This type of rigid thinking can quickly breed resentment and contempt—seeing your partner's behavior, attitude, or beliefs as 'wrong' can lead you to dismiss or devalue them. When you see yourself as always 'right,' it becomes nearly impossible to engage in the compromise and empathy that healthy relationships require. Over time, this contempt builds and often becomes the root cause of failing and eventually dissolving relationships. Black-and-white thinking can also appear in professional settings—believing that if you don’t get a promotion, you must be a complete failure. This type of thinking can lead to chronic dissatisfaction, unrealistic expectations, and strained relationships.
Consider a client I worked with—let’s call her 'Sarah.' Sarah grew up in a strict religious community where everything was presented in stark binaries. When she left that community, she struggled to navigate real-world relationships. She would idolize new friends, but as soon as they showed any imperfection, she felt betrayed and disappointed. Through our EMDR sessions, Sarah began to understand the roots of these patterns and started to develop a healthier perspective, allowing her to see the gray areas that exist in all relationships. She learned that relationships can be imperfect yet deeply fulfilling, and that the presence of conflict or misunderstanding doesn't mean the absence of love.
How EMDR Therapy Can Help Break the Cycle of Black-and-White Thinking
EMDR Therapy is an effective approach to reprocess the experiences that contributed to black-and-white thinking. By revisiting the root causes of these rigid mental frameworks—often memories tied to fear, judgment, or punishment—EMDR helps to desensitize the emotional intensity associated with those memories. Using bilateral stimulation, EMDR helps your brain process these experiences in a more adaptive way, allowing for more nuanced and balanced ways of thinking to emerge. EMDR also opens up these moments of reprocessing, which means we can reevaluate and bring an adult, mature, and wise Self to these past memories—the kind of Self that sees yourself, others, and the world with far more nuance and understanding. Working through these experiences starts to cultivate psychological flexibility, which is essential for growth. By doing so, clients become more open to listening to their own voice, their own viewpoint, and their own desires—not as right or wrong, good or bad, but as experiences that 'just are.' This allows clients to consider these aspects of themselves in the larger context of their values and where they want to go or what they want to be about.
In sessions, we might focus on specific memories where you felt pressured to conform to rigid beliefs, such as being punished for asking questions or feeling ostracized for not fitting into the community's mold. By reprocessing these experiences, EMDR helps shift your thoughts from rigid ideas like “I must be right” or “I must conform to be accepted” to more adaptive beliefs such as “I am allowed to be imperfect and still be worthy of love” or “I can see things from multiple perspectives.” This shift isn't just about what you think—it's about what you feel on a deep emotional level. It helps dissolve the old fears that kept you stuck and fosters new, more balanced beliefs about yourself and the world. Many of my clients begin to notice not only changes in how they think but also in how they relate to others—with more empathy, patience, and openness to different viewpoints.
Mindfulness and Embracing Ambiguity
In addition to EMDR, I help my clients learn mindfulness techniques that support the transition from black-and-white thinking to a more nuanced perspective. Mindfulness encourages you to notice when rigid thoughts arise without immediately reacting to them. This practice can create the space to consider alternative viewpoints, even if they feel uncomfortable. One client described their experience with mindfulness as feeling like they finally had a remote control for their thoughts—being able to hit pause and take a step back, rather than feeling trapped in their initial reactions. For someone used to clear-cut answers, learning to sit with the discomfort of not knowing can be transformative. Over time, mindfulness nurtures an ability to embrace ambiguity and acknowledge that uncertainty is a natural part of the human experience. It helps you realize that you don’t need all the answers to be okay, and that true peace comes from accepting the complexity of life rather than avoiding it.
Building Psychological Flexibility and Resilience
Working through black-and-white thinking starts to cultivate psychological flexibility, which then leads to greater forms of resilience. Learning to hold multiple, sometimes conflicting, truths at once is at the heart of psychological flexibility. This skill can be developed through EMDR, mindfulness, and the practice of self-compassion. Psychological flexibility allows you to adapt to life’s ups and downs without reverting to extreme thinking patterns, helping you to navigate complexity with a balanced mindset. It means you're more open to listening to your own thoughts, feelings, and desires without labeling them as inherently 'good' or 'bad,' but simply as they are. This shift lays the groundwork for deeper resilience, allowing you to move forward with a more adaptive approach to challenges.
As psychological flexibility grows, resilience naturally follows. Instead of viewing yourself as either entirely competent or a complete failure, you start to acknowledge that you can be competent while still making mistakes. This balance is crucial for healing from religious trauma and moving beyond black-and-white thinking. It enables you to engage more authentically with others and with yourself, fostering deeper, more meaningful connections.
For instance, instead of viewing yourself as either entirely competent or a complete failure, resilience allows you to acknowledge that you can be competent and still make mistakes. This balance is at the core of healing from religious trauma and moving beyond black-and-white thinking. It enables you to engage more authentically with others and with yourself, building deeper, more meaningful connections.
Ready to Embrace the Gray Areas?
If you're ready to challenge black-and-white thinking and learn how EMDR Therapy in NYC can support your journey, I'd love to hear from you. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to discuss your needs, learn more about how EMDR can help, and begin the journey toward embracing life's complexities with more confidence and peace. You don't have to navigate this alone—together, we can find a way forward.
Contact me here for a free 15-minute phone call to discuss how we can work together to build the resilience you need to thrive. Let's embark on a path toward greater self-respect, healthier relationships, and a stronger sense of community together.
My specialties include LGBTQ+ Therapy NYC, EMDR Therapy NYC, Religious Trauma.
