Deep Dive into Perfectionism: EMDR Therapy NYC for Healing Religious Trauma
Photo created with the aid of AI on 1/13/2025.
As an LGBTQ+ therapist specializing in trauma recovery, and someone who has personally experienced the impact of religious trauma, I understand firsthand how these experiences can shape our sense of self-worth. I've seen, both in myself and in my clients, how deeply ingrained these beliefs can become. My practice in NYC focuses on helping clients reclaim their worth through EMDR Therapy, an evidence-based approach proven to transform the deep-rooted beliefs that often drive perfectionism.
Religious trauma often leaves individuals with a deep need to be flawless, where their sense of worth becomes tied to perfection. For many, these messages were conveyed both explicitly and implicitly—through direct teachings, subtle subtexts, community expectations, or the ever-present fear of consequences for falling short. It’s important to recognize that if you’ve internalized these messages, it wasn’t your fault; you were simply responding to the environment you were in, trying to survive emotionally. Even when perfection wasn't explicitly stated as the goal, the underlying message was often that being flawless was necessary to secure love, belonging, and value. This created an impossible standard, one that many of us internalized without even realizing it. For many, striving to be "good enough" wasn't just about success—it was about securing love and avoiding rejection or punishment.
If you've ever felt like you're constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make even the smallest mistake, you're not alone. This blog is the first in a series of seven posts exploring different aspects of religious trauma and the tools to heal. Each post will build on the previous one, providing a comprehensive guide to understanding and overcoming the deep-seated impacts of religious trauma. Today, we'll explore how religious trauma often leads to cycles of self-criticism, shame, and anxiety, keeping individuals trapped in unrealistic expectations. We'll also explore how EMDR Therapy in NYC can help untangle these beliefs, allowing people to cultivate self-compassion, authenticity, and a healthier relationship with their worth. Make sure to check back for upcoming posts that will expand on this journey of healing.
The Roots of Perfectionism in Religious Teachings
In many religious contexts, beautiful and affirming things are said about human beings, emphasizing their inherent worth, potential, belonging, and being loved. However, in other contexts—particularly those contributing to religious trauma—teachings can be destructive. Sometimes these messages are explicit, such as certain forms of Calvinism that describe humans as inherently 'depraved.' Other times, they are more implicit, subtly suggesting that human beings must strive for perfection to be deserving of love or acceptance. This idea of moral perfectionism can be internalized at a young age, creating unrealistic standards that are impossible to achieve. Over time, this striving for perfection can lead to immense stress and anxiety. Religious doctrines that emphasize sin and salvation can instill a fear that every mistake might lead to spiritual failure, driving perfectionistic behaviors as a form of self-protection.
I have worked with many clients who were taught from a young age that any mistake would lead to divine disapproval. For years, they carried the fear that their worth was always in question. Through our work together, using EMDR Therapy, they learned to reframe those early experiences, gradually releasing the fear and guilt that had held them back. I understand how daunting it can feel to even begin to challenge these deep-seated beliefs, but change is absolutely possible.
For individuals raised in such environments, their entire sense of self-worth may hinge on their ability to adhere to these high standards. When these teachings are paired with a punitive or fear-based concept of divinity—one that judges every thought and action—perfectionism can become a survival mechanism. The constant need to strive for perfection becomes a way to avoid rejection, shame, or perceived spiritual danger.
Striving to be 'good enough' often leads to intense self-criticism. Those who struggle with perfectionism internalize the demanding and punitive messages they received, and this internalized voice stays with them, influencing their thoughts even after leaving those religious environments. Falling short of these standards often leads to overwhelming shame and fear—fear of rejection not just from their community, but from a higher power as well. This fear can feel incredibly isolating, as though there’s no way to ever be good enough. This relentless pressure to be perfect manifests as anxiety, burnout, and even physical symptoms like chronic stress or insomnia. The inner dialogue can be harsh: 'I should have done better,' or 'If I don’t do everything right, I’m not worthy of love.' Unless these beliefs are processed and externalized, they continue to reinforce damaging behaviors.
How Religious Communities and Family Systems Reinforce Perfectionism
Religious communities and family systems significantly reinforce perfectionistic tendencies. Within many faith-based groups, there is an unspoken pressure to present oneself as a model adherent—someone who is morally upright, spiritually engaged, and outwardly flawless. Communal practices, such as public confession or testimonies, can heighten this pressure, conveying that only those who meet strict standards are truly valued or saved.
Family systems often amplify these religious teachings, reinforcing the perfectionistic mindset. The expectation to uphold religious values and strict behavioral codes can be extremely demanding. Parents, shaped by these teachings, may pass on the pressure to be perfect, emphasizing flawless behavior as critical not only for the child's worth but also for the family's reputation within the community. This creates an environment where mistakes are seen not as opportunities for learning but as risks that could lead to shame, exclusion, or punishment.
Conversely, some families act as a mitigating force, offering unconditional love and acceptance despite rigid teachings. These families provide a buffer against external pressures, emphasizing that love, belonging, and worth are not dependent on perfection.
When perfectionism is reinforced by community and family expectations, individuals often feel they must hide their flaws, which leads to isolation and loneliness. They judge themselves harshly for falling short of the perceived ideal, perpetuating self-criticism and shame. Over time, this creates a sense of inauthenticity, compelling individuals to wear a mask of perfection while suppressing their true selves.
Are you tired of feeling like you need to hide your true self? EMDR Therapy can help you process these pressures and reclaim your authenticity.
Examples of Perfectionism in Everyday Life
Perfectionism often manifests as an overwhelming fear of disappointing others, leading to people-pleasing behaviors. This fear can feel like a constant weight, pushing you to put everyone else's needs above your own. Someone may find themselves unable to say "no" to requests, even when exhausted, because they fear being seen as inadequate. It can also show up in parenting, where individuals feel they must be perfect to ensure their children’s well-being, unintentionally passing on rigid expectations to the next generation.
I've had a few clients like "Mark" (not their real name, of course), who always said "yes" at work, even when he felt burnt out. He feared that saying "no" would mean he was not a good person. Our work together, particularly through EMDR Therapy, helped him recognize that his worth isn't defined by his ability to please others. It was about breaking free from the internalized belief that his value depended on making everyone else happy. We were able to untangle those two things.
These manifestations of perfectionism can significantly impact a person's quality of life, leading to stress, burnout, and strained relationships. The pervasive fear of making mistakes or being judged harshly keeps individuals from experiencing joy, creativity, and spontaneity—all crucial aspects of a fulfilling life.
How EMDR Can Help Break the Cycle
EMDR therapy provides a path to healing from the damaging beliefs that drive perfectionism. By using bilateral stimulation—like eye movements or tapping—EMDR helps your brain get into a more adaptive state to process information and past experiences. This allows you to re-evaluate and reduce the power of traumatic memories and beliefs, making room for more compassionate and balanced ways of seeing yourself. With EMDR, people can revisit the root experiences that created their perfectionistic beliefs and transform how they are stored in the brain.
For someone dealing with religious trauma, EMDR might focus on memories where they felt inadequate, ashamed, or afraid of punishment for their perceived failures. By reprocessing these memories, EMDR allows the individual to shift their beliefs from "I must be perfect to be worthy" to more compassionate, adaptive thoughts, such as "I am enough as I am" or "I am worthy of love despite my imperfections."
This reprocessing helps release the emotional charge behind perfectionism, enabling you to let go of the constant need to be flawless. It’s not about striving to be perfect anymore; it’s about accepting yourself as you are, imperfections and all. It helps to reduce the intensity of the inner critic, replacing self-criticism with self-compassion. The transformation is not just about thinking differently; it’s about feeling different—feeling more grounded, at ease, and free to be one’s authentic self without the weight of unrealistic expectations.
Wondering if EMDR Therapy is right for you? Many clients begin to feel relief after just a few sessions. Reach out to learn more.
In addition to EMDR, I teach clients how to incorporate mindfulness practices, which can help individuals learn to embrace imperfection. Mindfulness encourages individuals to observe their thoughts and feelings without judgment, which is particularly powerful for those with perfectionistic tendencies. By practicing mindfulness, individuals can become more aware of their internal critic and begin to challenge the harsh self-judgments that arise.
Self-acceptance is crucial for healing. For many recovering from religious trauma, the idea that you have inherent worth without needing to prove it can feel revolutionary. It's about understanding that you deserve love and belonging simply because you exist. EMDR helps pave the way for this shift, while mindfulness and self-acceptance reinforce it by helping individuals relate to themselves in new, healthier ways every day. This holistic approach—combining EMDR, mindfulness, and self-compassion—supports lasting change and helps individuals break free from the cycle of perfectionism.
Interested in learning more about how mindfulness can support your EMDR journey? Schedule a call today!
Cultivating Resilience After Trauma
Healing from perfectionism isn't just about reducing self-criticism; it's also about building resilience. Resilience allows individuals to face challenges without reverting to old patterns of self-blame or harsh judgment. EMDR helps build this resilience by reprocessing painful memories that originally led to perfectionism, enabling a more balanced perspective on setbacks.
Cultivating resilience means taking risks and being vulnerable—speaking up, sharing your true feelings, or trying something new even without guarantees. It’s about trusting that, regardless of the outcome, you remain worthy and enough. As resilience grows, individuals understand that their worth isn't tied to perfection but is inherent. This leads to a greater willingness to engage with life, embrace imperfections, and experience deeper connections and fulfillment.
Feeling ready to build resilience and embrace life’s challenges? Contact me to explore how EMDR Therapy in NYC can help you.
Take the Next Step Toward Healing
Are you ready to start your journey toward healing from religious trauma? Reach out for a consultation today to explore how EMDR Therapy in NYC can help you break free from perfectionism and reclaim your true self.
Contact me here for a free 15-minute phone call to discuss how we can work together to build the resilience you need to thrive. Let's embark on a path toward greater self-respect, healthier relationships, and a stronger sense of community together.
My specialties include LGBTQ+ Therapy NYC, EMDR Therapy NYC, Religious Trauma.
