Deep Dive into Ethics and Moral Absolutes: EMDR Therapy NYC for Healing Religious Trauma

Welcome back to our series on healing from religious trauma using EMDR Therapy in NYC. Imagine feeling constantly pressured to make the ‘right’ choice—every action scrutinized, every thought questioned—until it paralyzes your ability to act. Many individuals dealing with religious trauma experience this reality every day. If you’ve been following along, you know that each installment builds on the last, helping us understand the interconnected aspects of religious trauma that keep individuals "stuck." In our previous posts, we discussed perfectionism and self-worth, fear of punishment, black-and-white thinking, and obsessive processes. These posts build a foundation for understanding the interconnected aspects of religious trauma that keep individuals feeling 'stuck.' If you haven't read them yet, I encourage you to explore them for a comprehensive look at how EMDR Therapy in NYC can help. Today, we’re diving into ethics and moral absolutes—how rigid ethical conditioning can lead to emotional stuckness and how EMDR can help.

The Stuckness: Ethics and Moral Absolutes in Religious Trauma

How is right/wrong, good/bad viewed from your background and upbringing?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao; uploaded from Unsplash on 2/6/25.

Religious trauma can often lead to an internalized belief that morality must be absolute, with little room for nuance or flexibility. This absolutism doesn't exist in a vacuum; it is shaped by cultural, denominational, and even family influences that vary widely across different religious traditions. In some denominations, moral behavior is intensely individual, focusing on personal accountability, while others enforce morality through community-driven surveillance. Understanding these nuances helps us see how moral rigidity is shaped by both personal and collective experiences.

Many individuals who have experienced religious trauma struggle with rigid beliefs about ethics and morality. This often stems from the binary, black-and-white nature of religious teachings, where right and wrong are viewed as absolute and unquestionable. For many clients, the pressure to "be good" or live by strict moral codes wasn’t just about following rules; it became an existential necessity linked to belonging, self-worth, and even survival. Moral absolutism creates a mental environment where any deviation from the expected ethical behavior is seen as catastrophic.

This rigidity can manifest in several ways. Clients may find themselves unable to tolerate ambiguity or uncertainty, feeling immense pressure to always "do the right thing." This pressure can also show up as an indignation or judgment towards others who do not hold themselves to the same rigid value system or moral code. The same inflexibility that is directed inward toward themselves can easily be turned outward, creating tension and distance in relationships. This pressure often leads to chronic anxiety and feelings of shame, especially when they feel they've fallen short of these unrealistic expectations. There is often a focus on how things "should be" that feels both overwhelming and restrictive. For some, this focus serves as a defense mechanism—a way to avoid the pain of past rejection or the discomfort of confronting deeper questions about one's self or identity. Others may use this moral rigidity as a shield to maintain a sense of control when their world feels unstable. The need to align with these moral absolutes is often a way to feel safe, providing a false sense of certainty in an unpredictable world, and to feel that they are "right" in the eyes of both their community and their higher power.

Examples of Ethics and Moral Absolutes in Everyday Life

Moral rigidity can show up differently in each person’s life, often leaving them feeling stuck, anxious, or disconnected. Below are a few examples that demonstrate the real-world impact of this kind of thinking and how it affects everyday life, both internally and in relationships with others:

Career Challenges: For some, moral absolutism creates a sense of paralysis in the workplace. It can also lead to judgment toward colleagues who do not adhere to the same standards, causing friction and feelings of isolation. For instance, "Angela" (not her real name) worked in a highly competitive corporate environment where gray areas were common. Despite her skills and potential, she struggled to navigate situations that required flexibility and in areas where there wasn't a clear choice on what to do. She would often receive feedback from her managers that she needed to show more initiative and independence to advance. Angela also struggled to advocate for herself during performance reviews, fearing that asserting herself would be selfish or dishonest. She equated being self-advocating with being "too prideful", which left her feeling stuck in her role and ultimately undervalued.

Relationship Dilemmas: "Michael" (name changed) often felt he had to be the moral compass in his friend group. He believed it was his responsibility to correct his friends' behavior when they deviated from what he considered ethical. This rigid moral stance wasn’t just a way for him to feel safe; it also led to feelings of indignation and judgment towards others, which made it challenging to maintain close, trusting relationships. This constant monitoring left him isolated and exhausted, struggling to maintain relationships because he was always focused on keeping others “in line” with what he believed was right.

One client, "Sophia" (again name changed for privacy), grew up in a religious community that emphasized moral purity as a cornerstone of her identity. As an adult, she felt deeply uncomfortable when confronted with ethical dilemmas that did not have a clear right or wrong answer. For example, when a close friend needed help that required bending some rules at work, Sophia experienced a paralyzing anxiety. Her upbringing taught her that anything less than strict adherence to rules was morally wrong, and the idea of compromising—even for a good cause—created a sense of internal crisis. She was haunted by thoughts like, "Would God see me as dishonest?" and "Am I compromising my integrity?"

Another client, "James," constantly questioned his motives and actions, fearing that he might be unknowingly doing something unethical. This hypervigilance also led James to feel frustrated and judgmental toward others who he perceived as acting carelessly or without moral scrutiny, contributing to his own sense of isolation. This hypervigilance about morality led him to overthink even the smallest decisions, such as how much to tip at a restaurant or whether it was "right" to prioritize his own needs over others. James's belief in moral absolutes made him afraid to act unless he was absolutely certain that his actions aligned with what he believed was morally correct.

Family and Community Influence on Ethics and Moral Absolutes

In some religious systems, the ethical frameworks can be so rigid, it feels like this photo!

Photo by Joshua Sukoff; uploaded from Unsplash on 2/6/2025.

Families and communities often play a significant role in reinforcing rigid ethical beliefs, which are often intended to guide children but can unintentionally create feelings of inadequacy, fear, and indignation towards those perceived as 'falling short' of these moral standards. This judgment isn’t only turned inward; it is frequently directed outward, contributing to social isolation and a lack of true connection with others. These influences are powerful because they intertwine with the need for love and belonging, creating a deep internal conflict when moral standards are questioned. In some religious environments, moral behavior is closely tied to acceptance, belonging, and love. Parents may use moral language to correct behavior, saying things like, "Good children do this," or "God is pleased when you act this way." Such conditioning instills the belief that ethical behavior is directly linked to one’s worth as a person, leading to an internalized fear that any mistake or deviation is a reflection of personal failure. This influence is often intergenerational, with parents passing down their own fears and rigid beliefs to their children, further cementing the idea that one's worth hinges on strict moral compliance. If the individual deviates from these morals, they are made to feel not just wrong, but unworthy of love and belonging.

Community reinforcement also plays a role. In some cases, congregations may ostracize those who don’t adhere to the accepted moral code, or they may openly criticize members who appear to stray from what is deemed "right." This often leads individuals to internalize this criticism and, in turn, judge others harshly, perpetuating cycles of exclusion and disconnection. This dynamic fosters a culture of judgment not only from the community but also within individuals, who may adopt these critical attitudes towards themselves and others, perpetuating a cycle of exclusion and emotional disconnection. For Sophia, the community’s insistence on purity and moral behavior left her feeling that she had to continually prove her worth by being morally impeccable. For James, being part of a religious community meant constant scrutiny and an expectation to demonstrate his ethics visibly, leaving little room for personal moral exploration or growth.

How EMDR Therapy Helps Process and Heal from Moral Absolutes

EMDR Therapy can be instrumental in helping clients reprocess the traumatic underpinnings of rigid ethical beliefs. During a typical EMDR session, the therapist uses bilateral stimulation—such as eye movements or tapping—to help the brain process painful memories in a healthier, less overwhelming way. Clients often describe feeling a sense of relief and perspective that had previously felt impossible to achieve. Clients often revisit experiences where rigid ethical beliefs were enforced, and through reprocessing, they begin to see these memories with a more balanced perspective. This reprocessing helps to release the intense emotional charge tied to these memories and allows for a reframing of their significance.

EMDR also facilitates a deeper understanding of the origins of these beliefs, helping clients untangle the moral expectations imposed on them by external forces. This deeper insight allows clients to begin questioning and eventually letting go of these unrealistic expectations. This shift in perspective can be profoundly freeing, as clients learn that their worth is not contingent on adherence to rigid moral codes.

For example, during an EMDR session, Sophia was able to reprocess a childhood memory where she was shamed by her community for a minor "ethical lapse." She realized that her community’s rigid moral expectations had not only affected her view of herself but had also led her to become highly critical of others, especially those who didn’t seem to follow the same strict code she did. The memory, which had been a source of deep embarrassment and anxiety, was revisited with the safety and support of the therapeutic environment. EMDR helped Sophia see the incident not as a reflection of her character but as a moment where unrealistic expectations were unfairly placed upon her. Reprocessing allowed her to see her younger self with compassion rather than judgment, helping her to challenge her internalized need to be morally flawless.

Similarly, James used EMDR to revisit memories of being reprimanded by his parents for not "doing the right thing." The reprocessing helped James recognize that his parents’ rigid expectations were more about their own fears and beliefs rather than an ultimate measure of his worth. This allowed James to begin letting go of his need to scrutinize every action and start embracing a more balanced approach to ethical dilemmas, where making mistakes or acting in gray areas wasn’t a moral failure but part of being human.

The Antidote: Values-Driven Behavior

I will help you find your authentic Self and connect you to your values. They act as a compass, guiding you.

Photo by Daniil Silantev; uploaded from Unsplash on 2/6/2025.

The antidote to moral rigidity is cultivating values-driven behavior—living in alignment with one’s personal values rather than rigid, external moral codes. Identifying personal values is often the first step in this journey, and it can be more challenging than it seems for those who have always been told what they "should" value. After we help you work through the trauma that sits around and underneath the moral rigidity, clients are encouraged to explore their own beliefs and what truly matters to them.

One useful tool in this process is journaling. Writing about moments when you felt most connected or at peace can help uncover which values truly resonate with you. For instance, journaling prompts like 'What makes me feel most alive?' or 'When do I feel truly myself?' or "What is so important to me that if I break it, it would hurt" can start this exploration process. Clients can write about moments when they felt most at peace or connected—what values were being honored in those moments? Another helpful practice is mindfulness, which involves observing thoughts and feelings without judgment. Mindfulness encourages clients to be present with their experiences, creating space to distinguish between authentic desires and internalized dogma from their past. It’s about building an internal foundation that isn’t reliant on rigid rules.

For Sophia, this meant exploring what honesty and integrity meant to her personally, separate from the rigid definitions she grew up with. She realized that while she valued being honest, it was also important to her to be compassionate, which sometimes meant being flexible with the rules. For James, values-driven behavior meant prioritizing kindness—not just to others but to himself. He learned that prioritizing his own well-being wasn’t selfish or unethical but a crucial part of living a balanced and fulfilling life.

Values-driven behavior helps clients shift away from a fear-based approach to ethics and move towards a life led by authentic choice. This approach not only alleviates internal pressure but also helps clients reduce the indignation and judgment they may feel towards others. By understanding their own values, they are better able to appreciate the diverse values of others, leading to more compassionate and fulfilling relationships. It means making decisions rooted in internal clarity rather than out of compliance or rebellion, fostering a sense of empowerment and freedom.

The antidote to moral rigidity is cultivating values-driven behavior—living in alignment with one’s personal values rather than rigid, external moral codes. EMDR helps clients distinguish between internalized dogma and genuine personal values, allowing them to live more authentically according to what genuinely matters to them rather than adhering strictly to external rules.

For Sophia, this meant exploring what honesty and integrity meant to her personally, separate from the rigid definitions she grew up with. She realized that while she valued being honest, it was also important to her to be compassionate, which sometimes meant being flexible with the rules. For James, values-driven behavior meant prioritizing kindness—not just to others but to himself. He learned that prioritizing his own well-being wasn’t selfish or unethical but a crucial part of living a balanced and fulfilling life.

Values-driven behavior helps clients shift away from a fear-based approach to ethics and move towards a life led by authentic choice. It means making decisions rooted in internal clarity rather than out of compliance or rebellion, fostering a sense of empowerment and freedom.

Preparing for the Next Step

With a deeper understanding of how rigid beliefs and moral absolutes shape behavior, we can now turn our focus to the topic of authority relationships. How do these rigid beliefs impact your ability to relate to authority figures in adulthood? Whether you find yourself constantly rebelling, blindly submitting, or feeling torn between the two, understanding the origins of these dynamics is key. In our next post, we will explore how EMDR Therapy can help reprocess these experiences and develop a healthier, balanced relationship with authority. Many individuals’ experiences with moral absolutism and rigid ethical conditioning shape how they relate to authority figures—whether they tend to submit unquestioningly, rebel against authority, or struggle to find a balance.

Ready to Move Beyond Moral Absolutes?

If you’re ready to move beyond rigid moral codes and start living a life led by your true values, EMDR Therapy in NYC can help. Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation here, and let’s create a path that helps you find freedom from restrictive beliefs, empowering you to live a more authentic and fulfilling life. You deserve to live with freedom, clarity, and authenticity—not under the weight of outdated, restrictive beliefs. Let’s take this next step in your healing journey together.